*** To be delivered before the RNC at 10:15pm EST***
JOHN MCCAIN: Thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you! No really, thank you... [Note to self: wait for applause to subside- keep smiling- don’t get impatient- careful- don’t look too eager.]
Really thank you. Thank you ... [Note to self: keep smiling - wave awkwardly- blow a kiss or two - only to the women of course.]
First I would like to thank, Generic Talker, for that very wonderful introduction, and I'm very pleased to be here tonight despite the bias of the media and their unending efforts to obscure and under-report the true nature of our gathering. I am, of course, widely known for my discretion, and as such, I will not stoop to their bottom feeding level by unleashing another blistering tirade against all those elite pundits who sit behind these hundreds of camera’s pointing at me right now. Instead, let me say this: the liberal media is not giving our convention the attention it deserves, but when I become president I’ll fix this problem once and for all.
[insane applause]
My whole life I have fought against the power of the biased press.
[more insane applause- amid shouts of 'Patriot, Patriot, Patriot']
Nobody in the GOP party knows better than I the prison like atmosphere in the media Green Rooms across this land. I am speaking, of course, of shows like: Face the Nation, MTP, This Week, CNN, SNL, Hardball, The View, Leno, Letterman, Conan, Colbert, and, of course, the Daily Show. Only via years of stealthy undercover research have I been able to uncover the duplicitous nature of the judgmental evil that feeds these prejudiced productions. And as your president I will send all those prying, mambi-pambi, Ivy League, big cable sucking, think-their-smart-and-not-so-funny elitists to Gitmo. I know I promised to close it - but, hard times call for harsh measures! Those preening, well read, well spoken, holier-than-thou, crypto-liberal JOURNALISTAS who pollute our political landscape with opinions, balance, insight, and analysis they dare call ‘The News’ must realize their time of privilege in our America is over, ... yeah, that’s right, ... in a John McCain America they will have no place - their skills no longer required.
[absolutely insane applause]
Our democracy is strong, our foundation is good. We must put an end to this bias before it does our country any further harm.
As that great political thinker, Chauncey Gardner, once said, “As long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the garden.” And I say to you this night that all is good in our garden! Our garden no longer needs ‘press-pests’ who only bring us only the disease of discourse. Our garden is fertile, our garden is glorious “we welcome the inevitable seasons of nature,” and while currently “upset by the seasons of our economy” – it is no reason we must suffer at the hands of these sly media-minions. “Growth has it seasons” and with me as your leader I will ensure that under my sustained tax cuts for the highest fruit in our garden there will be no need to tend to the soil. You will see, ... just wait, “There will be growth in the spring!” and the soil, the soil will take care of itself.
[psychotic applause]
As POTUS I will see to it that every red-blooded American gets his news from where God intended: Rush Limbaugh, FOX and reality television.....err... Hey what’s going on? ... Hey, ... hey,...
HEY, wait a minute, where do you think you guys are going with those cameras? Hey? What? What?... What do you mean you don’t have play in my garden if you don’t want to? Hey... come back, ... come back,... stop them... come back herrrreee.... “
[FADE TO BLACK]
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