THIS JUST IN: Copy of Harper's Real Speech from last night.

WHAT HARPER REALLY WANTED TO SAY: ALTERNATE COPY OF STEPHEN HARPER'S SPEECH - Dec. 3rd, 2008

My fellow Conservatives, ... err, I mean other Canadians too, - - thanks for watching me try to salvage my tainted government. errr... [forced smile] ... errr,

Tonight, I put my case before all true-blue Canadians and, of course, those who call 'talk radio'. I also put it before all you flaky pinko-socialists, Newfie Wingnuts, and Frenchy nationalists. After Minister Flaherty's economic mis-statement I realized my government's message was not getting through. Tonight I set the record straight.

While it's true I went too far in trying to crush the opposition last week; you must understand that I did it to protect all Canadian's from having their money support those bazturd parties who represent 63% of voters.

True, I violated my earlier pledge to govern differently.

True I went back on my word to "govern responsibly".

Also, it is true I opted to take the cheapest of shots.

But, my fellow Canadian's - real and not - you must realize why I did it.

I did it because I am pathologically incapable of 'playing well with others'.

Moreover, I firmly believe that the 'other' has no place in this polity - not the 'other' not born here - but those "others" who do not think as I and my mute and muzzled ministers do.

But these past few days have been taught me a valuable lesson. I must start to reign in my petty-inner child. I must hide him from you and, as such, I make a solemn pledge that from now on my agenda will stay well hidden from one and all... even my Ministers.

Thanks to my ineptness, we find ourselves at a historic crossroads. To the my fellow Conservatives, I say thank you for standing by me this week! To the rest, I say listen to my lies as I try to sucker you into supporting me.

I’d like to thank my ever patient wife Laureen for standing by me through these difficult times. Although today I stepped on our poor cat, regrettably killing poor pussy, Laureen continues to stand by me and give me her ideas: smile more often, stop looking predatory, change the colour of your reptilian eyes, etc,. I flaccidly thank her for her support and patience. You see Canada, I am just like 50% of you, I simply could not do it without my first wife. See, I too am human.

Many of you know that, despite the pressures of our young family, Laureen frequently visits riding associations on my behalf because I am creepy looking and frighten young children at local gatherings. Again, thank-you!

Friends, we all know that it is the strength of family and hatred of opponents that drives us. Life’s ups and downs are nothing if not an opportunity to best those around you. And we’ve got plenty to celebrate together. Just last month, we Conservatives scored a victory that firmly established us as the biggest, broadest, and most national of Canada’s political parties. Okay, so I pissed away all the good will right away -but hey, it's who I am.

Conservatism is Canada! Such is as it should be.

I know we all just went through a totally unnecessary election. Well, sorry to say that its time to do it again... in the dead of winter.

But, fear not, via a renewed indoctrination to our cause - - - errr, [Harper's eyes go wild and involuntarily he shouts] Sieg Hiel, Sieg Hiel ... [gasping] ... oh, sorry my fellow Canadian's .... errr, as you can see this current crisis is bringing out the worst in me. Sorry 'bout that ... Laureen must have forgotten to put my meds in the O.J. this morning. Again, sorry 'bout that.. heh, heh, heh, ...

I now admit I need your help and I call on all like-minded Canadians, NO I beseech you, to work fervently to convert all those treasonous political infidels willing to support a coalition that would usurp my kingdom. We must, by trick or by trade, fool the unbelievers to support our Conservative Government and our plan. Having pissed my chance away, I call on you again to save me.

I need the help of Conservatives like the small-businessman Small Pot, nephew of Pol Pot, who successfully threatened thousands of Cambodian refugees into supporting me in October. I need the help of Conservatives like Herb Ganja in the Lower Mainland who was a stalwart promoter of our Conservative message in the ethnic media. We must fool them again. He and friends must seize every opportunity to pull the wool over the eyes of new Canadians again.

Conservatives like Righty Wingnut from Edmonton, who organized a goher shoot-a-thon to raise money to fund our party. Gear up and load again Righty - you have shoot for Conservatism again!

Conservatives like Wonky Politzki in Selkirk Interlake, who worked tireless hours 36 straight days to help re-elect James Bezan - well Wonky we need you to do it all over again ... sorry Wonky.

Conservatives such as Luc-Josée Lobotomy, in Chutes-et-Scores Quebec who almost reaped us more votes and almost made a difference last time. Well, we need you to toil in futility again.

Eternally grateful to volunteers like Small-Pot, Herb, Righty, Wonky, and Luc-Josee and the thousands of others like them across the country I call again on you to again rekindle your misplaced support. After my crazed political power-play, it goes without saying, I need you help.

As I speak tonight, let us pause a moment, and reflect on how far we have fallen since October 14th. Winning a mandate to govern in good faith - I blew it. Thus, the Conservative movement in this country is in jeopardy and demoralized. Barely alive in Quebec. It is being ridiculed even on my own backbenches. The pundits are dissing us; and the public is saying “don’t bother talking to us until you’ve got your act together.” Well, we will show them!

We will kill this consensus building political juggernaut poised to take over MY Prime Minister’s Office. We will continue to denigrate and assail our opponents with vitriolic venom. A COALITION! Who ever heard of such an absurdity?

Friends, we all remember those days …when a Conservative Government seemed about as likely as a Prime Minister Gilles Duceppe! Well, thanks to my actions he is closer than ever to the prize. But friends, no worries, our sense of duty will overcome. We will focus on the things that divide us and things that seem so small, and unite around my leadership. I know, I know: I fucked it up! But we can overcome.

I will meet with the Governor General and re-affirm how my unwavering commitment to screwing over the 'other' will serve me well should she assent to my begging plea. I will show how only we offer Quebeckers real polarization and can stoke the fires of sovereignty. Only we can force the creation of a Québécois nation which is confident, united, autonomous, proud, united, and independent of Canada. It is now closer than ever. And when those freaking good for nothing frogs leave it will allow me to forge a western based Anglo-majority in the reconfigured parliament that will guarantee our Reichstag's future.

Five years ago this fall, my fellow Conservatives, ,,,, errr and others , my party came together. We united forces, energized our supporters and began to throw wool over Canada's eyes. We pretended to offer Canadians a viable alternative and we almost got away with it. A majority was so close I could taste it. If only all had my values, we would have won it. Now we must commit anew to demonize the opponents to get what we need. Dion is the unelectable anti-christ, Layton the fallen arch-angel, and Duceppe the devil. This troika must not be allowed to stand. If the G.G. should not agree with me, I say, "Fuck the G.G., follow me and I will lead you to Nirvana."

Although faux-Canadians re-affirmed their decision last month that I was unworthy of a majority - - let's make them pay!

Friends, I ask for a new mandate, a crazy-assed mandate! A mandate for the ages amid all this global economic instability. We must be given carte balnche, I must prevail.

We are clear in our request. Screw the confidence of the House. Give us time to manipulate ourselves into a majority situation!!! Prorogue or else! While Canadians were unwilling to give it last time, I must stay in power.

Only the Conservative party is Canada’s party!

In Quebec, we had a breakthrough in 2006, despite the fearmongering of the Bloc. Now those bazturds are turning on us! Go figure? But friends, we will no longer be distracted by the demagogic tactics of the Bloc! Off with their heads! While I may have turned the improbable into the possible and facilitated the birth of a coalition. Turned the doable minority government into the unmanageable - I ask for your support.

Okay, so I screwed up last week - but really, should that be held against me?? I thinks not.

Canadians we face challenges that I alone created. Challenges that appear bigger than anything we have seen in decades, but challenges we must nevertheless work to get through, together (without the other). From the very first day of the recent campaign, we put the economy first (until I didn't). Even before the campaign, we had been acting to deal with the effects of the U.S. financial crisis here and around the world (until I forgot to pay attention).

So, to be clear, I fucked up, but our new campaign must lay out additional steps to move Canada forward. (Those I neglected to mention last week.) The global economy is taking a serious turn for the worse - I want to make the most of the crisis and frighten Canadians into voting for me again.

While Canadians chose us in October, and chose a clear approach over improvisation. They chose stability over risk. And they chose dealing with hard realities over the promise of easy answers. Too bad, so sad it all went to hell. But no conciliation is needed.

Friends, while we won the election because we listened to Canadians, because we offered a realistic plan, and because we had earned Canadians’ trust it turned out I could not honour that responsibility. Again, so sorry, so sad -support me now so I may pretend to change my spots.

Ladies and gentlemen, we must not be under any illusions. The effects of this crisis will continue. And make no mistake, there are much more difficult and unstable times ahead. But only I, unprepentant and unbowed can get us through this. And our country will emerge stronger and more Conservative than ever before.

The Conservative party is Canada’s party!

We are the party that has been there for Canada since the beginning. This is the party whose legacy movements have built and renewed our country.

We, Conservatives, founded the Canadian federation in 1867, creating one of the most durable political arrangements in the world today. Conservatives bound Canada together from coast to coast with the Canadian Pacific Railway. Let me preside over its utter dissolution.

Past and present, no party has a better record of bringing Canadians together and of standing up for our country’s interests. Ha, ha, ha, .... sorry that's hard to say with a straight face. Again, the Conservative Party is Canada’s party!

And we will succeed because Conservative values are Canadian values:

• A love of power.
• A commitment to tedium.
• Devotion to disarray.
• Respect for nothing but us.
• Reward for risky leadership.

These are my values. Values about people from one walk of life joining together to keep the 'other' at bay. A story about harnessing grass-roots ignorance to overcome legitimate challenges to our orthodoxy. It reflects a story about building alone that which should be built together.

I may have created the most unstable political environment Canada has ever known. I may have squandered opportunity at every turn. Created a place where you’re afraid to read the headlines day in, day out. Yet I demand the privilege to continue my work.

As a Conservative, I take this privilege for granted.

Because the Conservative party is Canada’s party!

We put our partisan interests first.

We’ve skewed our priorities. We’ve enhanced ideological tensions. We've delayed family focused legislation. We are giving families little of much-needed relief. We’ve stood up for our values above all else. We enhanced provincial jurisdictions and are committed to the withering away of the federal state.

We’ve sensationalized criminal statistics in an effort to frighten all Canadians unnecessarily. Punitive criminal justice is our way. We say we do so in favour of victims and law-abiding citizens. But really we just want to keep public attention away from other issues.

We will continue to do so. Whether at home or abroad, whether it’s easy or hard, we will not hesitate to do what’s best for us first and then the rest of Canada.

Because the Conservative party is Canada’s party!

Friends, I don’t have to tell you that winning the election was a crucial step. But now we face enormous challenges. Our work has only begun. And we will have to be both tough, beligerent and wholly unstrategic. Pragmatism is not our way. Unrealistic ideological goals are our game.

And, friends, I aver we are entitled to be in government and that certain groups of Canadians owe us their vote. We must work hard to keep Canadians fooled. We must listen to no voices but or own. We must stay united, we must stay in government. We must best the opposition.

I feel we can achieve these things because, thankfully, the Party’s greatest strength lies in its inbred grassroots membership. No Party’s members are more motivated or ignorant. No Party’s members are more dedicated or narrow-minded. No Party’s members are better prepared or better-suited to back an ideological whore like me.

So in the coming days, be sure to make the most of the opportunities to spread half-truths and falsehoods. Debate and refine our party’s lying premise and policies, share experiences with your fellow group-thinkers and learn from each other about how to obsfucate the real issue - my leadership.

As we enter a period of great challenges, never forget the strengths of our ideology and never lose sight of the bias within us.

Canadians asked us to lead at a critical time of global economic instability. We failed. They now ask us to reconsider our approach - I will not. It is a situation they know I created - but it is one over which I will prevail.

Conservatives have never been afraid of tough times. And, as we have done time and time again in our history, we will answer our country’s call. And with your help, I will demonize the 'other' obsfucate the truth, divide this country and emerge stronger than ever before.

Thank you very much. God bless our land.