BeerBelly Buddah: Another useless Margaret Wente Column

So what am I, chopped liver?

MARGARET WENTE

Originally from Tuesday's Globe and Mail

December 23, 2008 at 12:00 AM EST

Dear Prime Minister,

I didn't mean it! Honest! Just because I called you a vindictive control freak doesn't mean I don't hold you and the Conservative Party in the highest esteem. If my remarks about your conduct and personality have sometimes seemed a bit tart, I assure you they were always offered in the spirit of continuous improvement.

In my heart, I've always been true blue. Even though I live in Toronto's Beaches, a territory notoriously bristling with latte-loving CBC types and elitist gala-goers, I have voted for your party in every single election, regardless of the fitness of the local candidate, who usually comes fourth behind the Greens. Please don't tell my girlfriends.

So can't you find a Senate seat for me, too? If Mike Duffy and Pamela Wallin can be senators, then surely there is room for me. Like them, I am a lifelong hack. Maybe I haven't been on TV as much, but you know what they say about television hosts. They can pronounce, but they can't spell. I can do both! Also, not to be critical, but you may have noticed that Pam has too much hair and Duff doesn't have enough. I have just the right amount.

Seriously, you can't deny that I have what it takes to be a first-class senator. I am accustomed to being underworked and overpaid, and I am able to emit hot air on any subject on demand. Ask Duff. I've been on his show lots of times. He'll tell you I have glib and superficial opinions about everything, especially things I know nothing about.

Some people believe that journalists are automatically unsuited to sit in the chamber of sober second thought, because we are seldom either sober or thoughtful. Clearly, Sir, you disagree. You understand that the media are part of the establishment now.

We journalists used to take pride in afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted. But we've discovered that it's far more rewarding to do things the other way around. Especially when the payoff is a chance to serve our country in such a vital and important role. And if the Senate is full up for now, I'd be happy to serve as the consul-general in New York, so long as there's an adequate entertainment budget.

To tell the truth, Your Honour, an appointment to the Senate couldn't come at a better time for me. The future isn't looking all that bright. Everybody's reading the news online, and a lot of newspapers are going bust. My bosses have actually been going over my expense account and are nagging me to start a blog. (Do you know what a blog is? I'm not sure, either.)

Frankly, my talents are better suited to a more deliberative forum, one where there's a lot of time for debate and naps. As for the emoluments, I assure you they are completely irrelevant compared to the chance to serve my country. The $130,400-a-year salary, indexed to inflation until I retire or reach 75 (whichever comes first), is meaningless to me. The pension is still indexed, I presume.

There are rumours, no doubt untrue, that my pal Duff has been lobbying for a Senate seat ever since Brian Mulroney was in office. The way things are going, Your Excellency, I don't have that long. So maybe we can strike a deal. From now on, I'll cut the sarcasm and reveal to readers what I know to be the truth. You are that rarest of men in public life - a statesman, a visionary, one who combines heart and head and never stoops to petty political revenge when the nation's future is at stake.

You have been cruelly misunderstood, and I intend to do my best to fix that.

Thank you, Sir, for your valuable time. I am grateful for the opportunity to set the record straight, and look forward to hearing from you at your earliest opportunity.

*** Below My Posted Comment ****

You (BeerBelly Buddah, from Canada) wrote: You have to believe there were those of us cloistered in prayer for weeks on your behalf. All we wanted, all we desired, all we conspired to do was pray enough so that you too may have been elevated to the Red Chamber. At least then your words would only be polluting an anachronistic body rather than a national newspaper. I crap better opines out of my aging body everyday than you tap with your haggard fingers connected to that pea brain of yours. You a Senator - what's next? The Apocalypse?

{*** originally posted in early AM - apparently a particular word (orifice?) may have been offending? It is here redacted.}